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David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Pete Rose Can Improve His Image":
10. Remind people how much he used to hustle.
9. Change name to "SpongePete Rosepants".
8. Say betting on baseball was research for a movie.
7. Make an appearance on The Tonight Show.
6. Travel with a monkey -- everyone loves a monkey.
5. Write and star in the delightful comedy My Big Fat Pete Rose Wedding.
4. Find and kill Osama Bin Laden
3. Always carry Tums -- periodically offer them to strangers.
2. Teach underprivileged kids how to play the ponies.
And the No. 1 way Pete Rose can improve his image...
1. Hold a press conference declaring he's not gay.
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